Through the anecdote about the failed rocket, the student reveals how they respond to a problem: investigating the cause of the issue, turning to mentors for advice, and searching for previously implemented solutions to try. Engineering is all about problem solving, so demonstrating the steps they take when addressing a problem gives insight into how they think and the type of student they would be. Because of this, their excitement comes through as genuine. Their personality shines through in the last paragraph especially, but throughout the whole essay the student injected their personality.
This student added multiple humorous interjections that might earn a chuckle or two out of admissions officers. Including personal voice made the entire essay feel authentic and made this student jump off the page as a real person, instead of another carbon-copy applicant. The largest fault with this essay is that is tells the reader why they like engineering.
The reader should be able to see their passion naturally shine through without any explanation required. The story of the rocket provided good background, but then the student proceeded to clearly spell out why they like engineering.
This student should have allowed the reader to come to the conclusion of why they like engineering themselves—never assume your readers need to be spoon-fed answers to the prompt! There was already enough background from the rocket anecdote to piece together this student enjoys learning from their failures, but they could have made it even more evident why that particular story represents their love for engineering with more details.
Space to include a more detailed description of their failed rocket that really immerses the reader in the launch and investigation of its failure could have come from removing the first paragraph.
Instead, the student could open with sensory descriptions of a loud explosion coming from the rocket and the smell of smoke filling the air to bolster the current anecdote. Yale students, faculty, and alumni engage issues of local, national, and international importance. Discuss an issue that is significant to you and how your college experience could help you address it. A chaotic sense of sickness and filth unfolds in an overcrowded border station in McAllen, Texas.
Through soundproof windows, migrants motion that they have not showered in weeks and children wear clothes caked in mucus and tears.
The humanitarian crisis at the southern border exists not only in photographs published by mainstream media, but miles from my home in South Texas. As a daughter of immigrants, I have heard countless stories of migrants being turned away by a country they desperately seek to love. After seeing the abhorrent conditions migrants face upon arriving in the U.
This year, my experiences collecting donations and working at pop-up soup kitchens have made me realize that the communities in South Texas promote true American values of freedom and opportunity. The U. During my university career, I aspire to learn how our immigration system can be positively reformed by considering the politics and economics that shape policy-making. Particularly, classes such as Institutional Design and Institutional Change will prepare me to effect change in existing institutions by analyzing various methods to bolster the economy.
Additionally, I hope to join the Yale Refugee Project that volunteers at the southern border and prepares asylum cases for court. With the numerous opportunities offered by YRP, I will be part of a generation of activists and lawmakers that builds a more empathetic immigration system. One of the benefits of this essay is how the student establishes the issue in detail prior to explaining her personal connection to it. The hook uses detailed imagery, typically seen in personal anecdotes, to describe the issue.
Describing the issue at hand instead of an experience the student had helps the reader grasp the issue so they know exactly what the student is referring to when she explains her personal connection. Having already established the issue, it then becomes much easier for the reader to understand the significance to the student without being explicitly told what it is. The student never gives the reader an explanation as to why she cares so deeply about this issue, but through her writing, that reveals her internal identity and external actions, it becomes evident.
Another positive aspect was that the essay only discussed two resources at Yale that would be beneficial to the student. Elaborating on what the specific classes and the Yale Refugee Program will offer her in terms of professional development provides much more insight than if she had listed a bunch of Yale opportunities with no explanation of what made them special to her.
Something this essay was missing was a conclusion to wrap up the essay. It ends by discussing the Yale Refugee Program, but fails to connect back to the student or the larger issue at hand. Adding one sentence to the end that shifts focus back to the student or how Yale as a whole would allow her to better the world would make the essay feel complete, leaving the reader satisfied.
I will touch a hundred flowers and not pick one. My teenage rebellion started at age twelve. Though not yet technically a teenager, I dedicated myself to the cause: I wore tee shirts with bands on them that made my parents cringe, shopped exclusively at stores with eyebrow- pierced employees, and met every comforting idea the world offered me with hostility.
Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools! My cynicism was a product of a world that gave birth to the War in Afghanistan around the same time it gave birth to me , that shot and killed my peers in school, that irreversibly melted ice caps and polluted oceans and destroyed forests.
I was angry. I fought with my parents, my peers, and strangers. It was me versus the world. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes. As I kept up the fight, I found myself always tired, emotionally and physically. The tipping point came one morning standing at the bathroom sink before school. That morning, I found my mother and cried in her arms. I decided that the fight was over. I took a break from fighting.
I let go of my constant anger about global problems by first focusing on the local ones that I could do something about, and then learning to do things not because they fixed a problem, but for the simple joy of trying. I apologized to friends that I wronged previously, said yes when my mom asked me to go grocery shopping with her, and spent afternoons alone in the park, just reading.
I baked brownies in the kitchen because it made me happy. I slept in on weekends when I could, but I also made an effort to get out of bed and move. I made an effort to be nice-optimistic, even-with the people around me, but more importantly, I made an effort to be nice to myself. Now, I am the gladdest thing under the sun! I can be vulnerable and open, and I can show my passion to the world through love. I will touch a hundred flowers, seize a hundred opportunities, and love a hundred things.
I will not pick just one. The reader sees clear growth in the student as they progress through the essay.
Understanding their past personality allows readers to understand how confronting that personality formed their new, positive outlook on life. There was a noticeable shift in the tone from the first paragraph to the second that brought the vulnerability with it. The beginning reads as a funny anecdote where the stereotype of a moody teenager is established. They reveal so much about themselves by continuously focusing the essay on how their internal feelings dictated their external actions.
One thing this essay could have done better was work the quote into the piece as a whole. The essay had a great story, but it was difficult to piece together how the story was connected to the quote until the student explicitly explained it in the last paragraph. For example, using metaphors of sunshine and flowers throughout the piece would have called attention back to the quote and reminded the reader of why this quote is so important.
Describe your interests in modern networked information systems and technologies, such as the Internet, and their impact on society, whether in terms of economics, communication, or the creation of beneficial content for society.
Feel free to draw on examples from your own experiences as a user, developer, or student of technology. It was for my statistics class. I created it to answer a simple question: are people happier when they have more friends?
To answer that question, my group and I surveyed students. That month, the ink from my printer was running as dry as my body was soaked with sweat from running around the school collecting questionnaires. We compiled all results into a spreadsheet with hundreds of thousands of cells. It was the largest amount of data I had ever handled.
I started analyzing it, cell by cell. The method of analysis? A node network graph. The final result was an intensely vivid web of color composed of nodes connected by thousands upon thousands of lines. It was magnificent to behold. It was intensely surreal as I witnessed the abstract concept of friendship manifested in something tangible and visual.
This chaotic and hypnotizing mess of dots and lines was a snapshot of the relationships between an entire batch of students! Ever since that project, I have been constantly seeking new ways to make the invisible structures around us visible. Over the years, this interest has driven me to study the effects of the internet in greater depth. This is because the internet, for the past few decades, has been the biggest black box that our society has ever created. It has been credited for both promoting democracy and blamed for destroying it.
It has been praised for spreading information, and decried for spreading misinformation. As a policy-minded thinker and problem solver, I have done a lot of research and contemplation on the current problems and benefits of these platforms and services. I read about how Youtube has served as a platform for populist strongmen. I read about how Facebook enabled the Arab Spring.
So far, all that I have learned is that the problem is an incredibly complex and nuanced one, with a lot of different actors and moving parts. It involves multinational companies, governments, and billions of individual users.
If you opted for an MBA program, you probably have a business goal. What do you want to accomplish? Do you see yourself as a startup owner? Do you want to run a sustainable business? Tell the admission committee where your interests lie. Amaka F. By applying to a business school, you are pursuing your dream. Which only shows that you are a person of action. You dare to take charge of your circumstances. Writing about what excites you will make the essay more impressionable.
Passion can give your MBA essay some power. However, you need to find the right question that can handle this topic. Learn from this example how to approach the topic. You want to go back to the roots. Explain what planted the seed that grew into this devotion. The origin of passion is always thrilling to read about. It helps the readers understand your aspirations better. Every piece of the admission puzzle has its role.
What you wrote in the resume and cover letter is behind you. Now, it is time to focus on your story. Forget about methodology and chronology. The purpose of the essay is to get to know the candidates. You need to make the essay captivating. Take on the role of a storyteller and draw the readers in.
This is your chance to let your personality shine through. Use vivid language and descriptions. Illustrate situations and emotions that were present at the time. Bring your story to life. This MBA letter of intent or application essay captures your attention with the very first sentence. It takes you on a journey. To prepare yourself, read some books for inspiration. Observe how good storytellers do it. Read articles on how to write an MBA essay. You could even read previous samples of MBA personal statement to draw inspiration on how to write yours.
The success stories of entrepreneurs can stimulate your ideas. You can learn from their story and their writing style. Here are a few more methods for telling a story effectively:. Leaders build companies from the ground up. Leaders inspire people. They take proper actions in the present for a better future. Business schools want leaders. Show them that you are one. Your MBA statement of purpose needs to show that you have what it takes. Give insight into your motivations, capabilities, and strengths.
Emphasize experiences that present you as a proactive person. When was the time when you took charge? Think harder. They can be seen in many ordinary situations.
You gathered people together and led them to a set goal. You made a change in your community. This portrays you as a leader. Leadership can be found everywhere. Where can your progressiveness be noticed? Observe the following sample MBA personal statement. A simple story that demonstrates leadership.
Slip in an example that hints at your proactive capabilities. You can do this in any type of essay question. Are you ready to rock that university term? Prove it. Better yet, show that you are ready through examples.
Back up your statements with real-life examples. Use plenty of them. Broad summaries can never make an impact like details do. Your character, the best traits, and work ethic are best seen in different situations. You can lift yourself up without bragging. When choosing your topics, pick what genuinely excites you. Your enthusiasm will show in the final product.
Use the active voice. Nothing is more tedious than trying to read an essay written in the cold and detached passive voice. While popular with scientists who publish in technical journals, it is pretentious and verbose in everyday writing. Keep your verbs simple and active. What's the difference? Active Voice : The cow jumped over the moon. Passive Voice : The moon was jumped over by the cow. Yes, it sounds that silly when you use it, too! Explain events whenever appropriate.
Many of your accomplishments are of interest to the committee because of why you tackled them, what you thought about them, and what you learned. Tell us the reasoning behind your decision and how your life changed as a result of the experience.
Be specific and focused. Rather than listing several items or events, give a full description of just one. The more details you include, the more personal your essay will be. Proofread several times and get feedback from valued sources. Explain what you hope to convey in your writing and ask them if you met your objectives. The true test of your writing isn't what you intended to say, but what the reader actually understands.
Revise and polish until it is perfect. Give yourself enough time to do the essays well. Successful applicants usually invest several hours considering each question, deciding the correct approach, constructing an outline and writing a first draft. You may have to write and revise multiple drafts before you are satisfied with your essay. In addition, experts advise applicants to avoid the following common mistakes:. Don't let anyone else tell you what to write.
Well-meaning parents and advisors often interfere in the writing process and sabotage the candidate's chances. Use your own best judgement in choosing a topic and writing your essay.
Don't let anyone else influence you. We read thousands of essays each year and have developed a keen eye for authenticity. Don't oversell yourself or try too hard. Many candidates manage to squeeze every accomplishment they've ever had into a single one-page essay.
Others explain emphatically how much they "really, really" want to attend our school. Don't take such a desperate approach. Answer the questions to the best of your ability and be yourself. Don't rehash information that can be found elsewhere in the application. We already know your grade point average, standardized test scores, and academic awards and honors. Use your limited essay space to discuss experiences that aren't revealed anywhere else.
Consider your essay to be an informal interview, your exclusive "one-on-one" time with the committee. Show us why we should accept you into our academic community. Don't write a scholarly or overly academic paper. The essay is your opportunity to demonstrate your non-academic strengths, particularly your personality.
Don't waste the opportunity to let us get to know the real you. Don't appear overly idealistic or preachy. Don't use trite or tired themes for the focus of the essay. Be original. Each year, we receive hundreds of essays that discuss the horrors of nuclear weapons and the dangers of global warming.
Sadly, they don't tell us anything we don't already know. If you choose to discuss a meaningful issue, do so in the context of your demonstrated commitment to change it, either through your career or volunteer work. Don't confuse passive idealism or future intentions with productive action. A demonstrated commitment to a cause is worth writing about; passive idealism is not.
Don't try to explain blemishes on your record. With rare exceptions, it is impossible to explain poor grades and test scores without sounding irresponsible or defensive. Neither will enhance your admissions chances. If you have a compelling excuse for an academic disappointment, place it in a separate addendum to your file, rather than in the body of an essay or personal statement.
Don't use large, pretentious words. Use the simplest possible language to explain your meaning precisely. Using three-dollar words to impress the committee usually backfires because it comes across as presumptuous and arrogant. Don't be boring and safe; tell a real story! A fresh and well-written essay will enhance your credentials and your application. Don't lie or exaggerate.
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